Happiness is a Warm Gun
by kelloell
Summary: Chapter 4 is up! If Jack plus Nina equals trouble, what does x equal? Please R&R.
1. Chapter 1

_I'm in a very weird mood right now so this probably doesn't make much sense. But it was fun to write:)  
_

Disclaimer: I am currently drafting my forty-seventh plan to take over the world. Until then, I own nothing. But when I do succeed…

**Happiness is a Warm Gun**

Jack Bauer sat listening on his bed to his favorite song, _Happiness is a Warm Gun_, by the Beatles. The beginning of the song sucked. First Paul McCartney sang about a girl and a velvet lizard or something, then a random guy with multicolored boots, or was it mirrors? Anyway, it was a complete waste of time, and as you know, Jack Bauer never has enough time.

Normally, Jack Bauer was way to cool to listen to that part. Because, he is, of course, Jack Bauer, and Jack Bauer is too cool for anything. He just had to put up with all this shit. And like normal, he skipped the whole first section. However, the rest of the song was awesome.

_I need a fix cuz I'm going down_

_Down to the bits that I left uptown_

_I need a fix cuz I'm going down_

He always loved this part because it reminded him of his heroin days, and then he always wondered why he'd bothered to stop. Oh yeah, it was that bitch, Brad Hammond, who put him on that rehab program. Dammit! Hammond was now on top of the list of people who Jack Bauer needs to teach a lesson.

The List of People Jack Bauer Needs to Teach a Lesson

1. Hammond

2. Nina

3. Kim (She's failing Algebra!)

4. Nina

6. Nina

7. China

8. Audrey (Jack just realized what a whiny bitch she was)

9. Chappelle

10. That guy in the deli the other day who told him he had to actually **pay** for his food!

The list went on and on for a very long time, for 101 people. It was actually 100, because he skipped 5, but Jack Bauer doesn't like the number 5 and so he didn't use it. He's Jack Bauer. He doesn't have to do anything.

By the time he had added Hammond to his list, the Beatles decided to tell him that Mother Superior jumped the gun! How dare she! And she did it six times! Nobody jumps when Jack Bauer shoots his gun. Jack Bauer took out his list again and added her name for numbers 1-7 to punish her for all 6 times she jumped the gun.

"Oooooooh!" Jack Bauer cried, skipping around the room. "This is my favorite part!"

_Happiness is a warm gun_

_Bang Bang Shoot Shoot_

_Happiness is a warm gun_

_Bang Bang Shoot Shoot_

For Jack Bauer, happiness was a warm gun. Cold guns freeze your fingers too much to hold them. Hot guns burn your fingers to much. But warm guns are perfect because they are comfortable to hold and therefore easier to shoot. Oh no, this sounds too much like that fricken Goldilocks story! Jack Bauer adds Goldilocks to the list of people he needs to teach a lesson. But back to the point that Goldilocks stole from him. If your gun is warm, it is easier to kill people! And Jack Bauer likes to kill people who:

a. Give him shit

b. He doesn't like

c. Look suspicious

d. Look happy

e. Look like terrorists

f. Are terrorists

g. Say one or all of the words or phrases: bomb, gun, I kidnapped Kim, terrorist, evil, blow up, explosion, grenade, machete, sniper, Nina Myers, nuclear, China, or most of all Dammit! Dammit! is a phrase that can only correctly be uttered by Jack Bauer, because he is the only one cool enough to use it.

Then the song ended and some other song about love or something started playing. "Dammit!" Jack Bauer yelled. Then he takes out his gun, which is warm because he was sitting on it, and shoots the iPod.

But now he needs a new iPod! So Jack Bauer goes outside and finds a weird guy listening to one. He grabs it and says, "Holster your iPod!" The guy is such a wimp that he can't stand having a gun held to his face, so he gives Jack his iPod immediately.

Running back into his house, Jack plugs the earphones in and then stops in horror. The song that is playing is _Spanish Bombs_. And you know what that means…

Jack Bauer runs back outside and grabs the man he stole the iPod from, who was walking away dejectedly, and slams him against the wall.

"Who are you working for? Where is the bomb? Who are you? Who am I? Where is my daughter? Holster your weapons! Dammit! Sonofabitch!" He added the last two because he felt like it, and when Jack Bauer feels like doing something, he does it.

The guy, being the pussy that he is, turns deathly white and faints. Jack Bauer feels for a pulse and realizes he's dead. Dammit! He must have choked him to hard.

"Someone get me the epinephrine! I am a federal agent! Give me the epinephrine!" Soon all of the yelling attracts a crowd around Jack. But Jack Bauer doesn't like being crowds. Taking out his gun, he shoots everybody. A little boy nearby starts crying and shits himself. "Pussy!" Jack yells before shooting him five times.

Jack Bauer looks around and then realizes that there are no little yellow numbers stating the exact time. "Oh, good. We're not starting another season," He thought to himself. His gun always got cold by the end of a season. Speaking of a cold gun, his was freezing!

He ran inside and thrust the gun in the microwave. After thirty seconds, the microwave exploded. "Dammit!" Jack Bauer yelled. "That was my 9,372nd gun!"

Jack Bauer ran down the street to the gun store and told the cashier, "Holster your weapons!" Then he reached to draw out his gun, but it wasn't there! "Dammit!"

In the end, he grabbed the startled sales clerk and slammed him against the wall similarly to how he choked the pussy iPod guy. "Give me a gun!" he shouted, even though he was less then a foot away.

The clerk, of course, couldn't move or speak, yet succeeded in grunting. Jack Bauer didn't need his permission, however, because he is Jack Bauer. He grabbed the nearest handgun, loaded it, and shot the man in less than four seconds. Then he ran out the door, back to his house, and slammed the door to his bedroom.

There he sat listening to _Happiness is a Warm Gun_, a warm gun in hand. He was very happy. "Well," he thought, "Paul McCartney was actually right. Happiness is a warm gun!"

Then he did the Macarena and decided to go start hunting down the people on his list of people who needed to be taught a lesson.

_I wasn't planning on continuing this, but if you want me to, I might. Please review!_


	2. Chapter 2

_Okay, I decided I'd continue._

_Sorry it took me so long to update, but my computer is sort of screwed up._

_Mocha Addict wanted me to write a prequel about number 10 on Jack's list, which was the guy in the deli who said he had to pay for his food. So I did. _

_I used Wikipedia for info about the video game, and I know it's not very reliable, so if there is something incorrect, please tell me. I just didn't feel like verifying it. Wikipedia has information, and even if it's not correct, it is information, and it is easy to find, and I like easy things. Life is easier that way._

**_Some of you don't bother reading disclaimers, but I suggest you read this one. Of course, if you're not reading these three sentences, then you won't know to read the disclaimer, in which case you won't. So I am putting in capital letters READ THE DISCLAIMER so you won't interrupt me and have no clue what is going on while I am in the middle of drafting my evil plans._**

Disclaimer: Okay, so my Evil Plan to Take Over the World #47 was thwarted. It involved stealing an elephant from the zoo and traveling, by elephant, to South Africa, but I learned the hard way that elephants can swim, but not with a person on their back across the Atlantic Ocean. But I can tell #48 will be lucky. So anyway, I don't own anything YET!

**The Guy in the Deli**

Jack Bauer was playing one of his favorite video games, Turok: Dinosaur Hunter. There were many reasons why he liked it so much. For one, it had lots and lots of weapons. You could use normal stuff, like a knife, shot gun, bow and arrows, and assault rifles, and different weapons with weird names, like the chronoscepter, fusion cannon, and alien weapon. Plus, you could turn the blood on or off and change it different colors! But mostly, Jack Bauer liked this game because you killed lots of people, and being Jack Bauer, he had to kill lots of people in real life, too. It was all in the job description.

**The Job Description:**

Do you have what it takes to be super-cool, crime-fighting federal agent Jack Bauer? The answer is no. Because no one is cooler than Jack Bauer, and he already exists. There is no way you can take his place, because he never ages and never dies. Only Jack Bauer can fit the job requirements.

Requirements:

1. Must have a teenage daughter who is very stupid and is constantly kidnapped. Therefore, he must be overprotective of this daughter.

2. Must never listen to any rules or regulations set down or follow protocol.

3. Must have been in the military.

4. Must be trigger-happy.

6. Must not like the number 5.

7. Must be able to kill his boss, chop his partner's arm off, shoot his boss with a tranq gun, kill his girlfriend's husband, shoot the woman he used to love, torture people, withstand torture, and other similar circumstances all without a thought.

8. Must use the phrases, "Dammit!" "Sonofabitch!" "Holster your weapons!" "Where is my daughter?" "Who are you working for?" and "I need a name!" as much as possible.

9. Must for some reason be attracted to the most stupid women in existence.

10. Must hate Brad Hammond's guts.

11. Must accept people trying to arrest him because he breaks protocol. Even though he's always right.

Note: Jack Bauer can do anything he wants anytime he wants and if anyone gets in his way he can dispose of them in any way he chooses.

So Jack Bauer sat on his couch playing video games until he realized that he was hungry. He called the pizza place. He put in his order, but when the pizza guy asked for his name, he realized the truth.

"I know who you are! You're a Chinese spy, and you want to track me down and torture me for top secret government information! Well that won't work this time!" he yelled. Then he took out his gun and shot the phone. "Hmmph!"

But Jack Bauer was still hungry. So he ran outside and across the street to 'Gunther's Deli.' Of course, he only went in because 'Gunther's' has the word 'Gun' in it.

So he marched inside and yelled at the man at the register, "Give me a turkey club!" The man didn't move and just stared at him.

That was, of course, until Jack Bauer looked up at him with a manic glint in his eyes, so that you could see the whites of his eyes underneath the pupils the way they always portray bad guys in movies. Being Jack Bauer, this was ten times scarier then it would have looked if it had been a normal person.

"Yes, okay, of course," the man said hurriedly, and he bustled into a backroom and started chopping up turkey, slicing bread, and adding bacon, lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise before wrapping the sandwich in a fresh sheet of wax paper. Having something to do helped him avoid looking at this strange man who had just walked in, and helped him regain some of his shaken confidence.

"Here you go, sir. Will that be all?"

Jack just glared at him.

"That will be $7.47, please, sir," he said, faltering a bit at the look Jack Bauer gave to him.

According to Jack's job description, as you know, he doesn't have to do anything he didn't want to do. And he did not want to pay for his sandwich. After all, he was Jack Bauer!

But then Jack Bauer looked down and saw the little numbers on the cash register.

Little digital numbers.

Little digital yellow numbers.

And you know what that means…

Jack grabbed his sandwich, stuffed it in his mouth, and then tried to shout, "Where is the bomb?" but he couldn't, of course, because his mouth was full of his sandwich. So he settled for shooting an old grandma and her grandson before running as fast as he could out the door to catch the terrorists he knew where trying to kill him.

And, of all people, guess who he ran into? ME! Back then, I was attempting my ingenious Evil Plan to Take Over the World #46 (See Disclaimer, that I told you to read and now you know why so ha ha in your face).

So I was in the middle of this really awesome evil laugh that I perfected after 46 tries, even though it was actually 45 because I skipped EPtTOtW #5.

Yes, I said he ran into me? Well I meant literally. So, in the middle of this awesome evil laugh, Jack Bauer ran into me, and knocked me over, because he's Jack Bauer. He can do anything, remember? At least I hope you remember. If you don't, just kind of scroll up a little bit.

Since my plan involved looking upwards at exactly the right moment to use the special lasers installed in my contact lenses to crash a plane in the middle of Los Angeles, and Jack Bauer knocked me over at that exact right moment, I don't need to tell you what happened. To put it simply, the plan failed. But you already knew that, because you read the disclaimer.

But anyway, Jack Bauer kept running and drew his gun and shot a bunch of people. And no one around had guns, so they couldn't shoot him back, and even if they did have guns, they wouldn't shoot because they're not stupid, I mean come on, he is Jack Bauer. Unless of course they were stupid, and they did shoot, in which case they'd miss. Duh. First grade, here, people.

After about ten minutes of this, Jack realized that the terrorists were getting away and that he would need satellite coverage. So he called Chloe.

"Chloe, I'm going to need satellite surveillance and infrared and…"

"Jack, there's no terrorist threat today. Didn't the writers tell you? Each season is either 18 months or 3 years apart! And the last season was 6 months ago! Did you buy something again?"

In the end, everything was settled and Jack skipped happily back to his apartment. But then he realized that the guy in the deli never paid for trying to make him pay. So he swore to get revenge…

TBC hopefully! Only if you review.


	3. Chapter 3

_Sorry it took me so long to update, I've been really busy this summer._

_Okay, so since chapter 2 took place before chapter 1, the rest of the chapters are going to take place after chapter 1. I think. So really chapter 2 should be chapter 0. In fact, you could read chapter 2 before chapter 1 and it would make just as much sense. I think. _

_Jack Bauer is going to start to hunt down all of the people on his list. Goldilocks is first._

_Thank you to all who read the disclaimer, but you don't have to read it this time. _

Disclaimer: Since long and complicate evil plans tend to fail, and take forever to plan, I have decided that I will just declare myself ruler of the world and see what happens. So now I **DO** own 24! Oh shit- there's a mob of people with torches and pitchforks surrounding my house… I'll have to rush this…

**Goldilocks **

Goldilocks is on the top of The List of People Jack Bauer Needs to Teach a Lesson, or for our purposes, The List. Actually just for my purposes, because I don't feel like typing it out every single time.

But Jack Bauer doesn't feel like going in order. Because, you know of course, he is Jack Bauer, and he can do whatever he wants.

So Jack Bauer wants to teach Mother Superior a lesson, actually 6 lessons, first. So he will. So the revised title of this chapter is…

**Mother Superior (x6)**

The other thing about Mother Superior was that he didn't actually know anyone named Mother Superior. So Jack Bauer decides to teach 6 mothers and 6 of his superiors, lessons. That means he gets to shoot twelve people instead of six. The more the merrier!

The lessons in the following chapter will be called, "What Happens When You Piss Jack Bauer Off." It is better for most people if they learn this lesson without being taught.

As Jack Bauer cartwheels with one hand (so he can shoot people with the other) down the street, he notices a cluster of woman standing around a dress display in a department store window. And all of them are holding small toddlers by the hand or pushing baby carriages.

With his handy dandy gun that doesn't run out of bullets until something bad happens, a.k.a at the end of the hour, he starts to aim his gun, before realizing that using a sniper rifle would just be so much more fun.

Why Jack Bauer Wants To Use a Sniper Rifle

1. They hold more bullets

2. You get to use it from on top of a really tall building. Really tall buildings have elevators. Jack Bauer likes elevators.

3. They're easier and funner to aim.

4. People don't know where the shots are coming from and start to panic.

5. Because he feels like it. And you know better than to question his judgment. Or else you'll end up like: Santa Claus (He gave Jack Bauer coal. Jack Bauer shot him up real good and then turned him into a snowman.); Mickey Mouse (He wouldn't shut up with his stupid annoying squeaky voice so Jack Bauer ran around Disney Land shooting every Mickey-like thing he could find, including the ice cream with the Mickey-head shape and the stuffed animals.); or Superman (Jack Bauer thought he was a pussy for wearing his underwear over his pants and shot him while he was flying. Of course, Jack Bauer never misses.) Notice how they all ended with being shot.

So Jack set up a sniper rifle on top of the department store (after riding up the elevator), which he happened to have in his super green bag with an endless supply of weapons that he brought everywhere.

Coincidentally, there were six mothers in the group. Before you could say 'Kiefer Sutherland,' who is Jack Bauer's favorite actor, they were all dead. No one seemed to notice or care.

Jumping from rooftop to rooftop, Jack continued on his way. Finally he reached Division, where all the annoying superiors who tried to insert themselves in command at CTU in the middle of a crisis were having a meeting.

Alberta Green, Erin Driscoll, George Mason, Ryan Chappelle, Brad Hammond, Karen Hayes, Bill Buchanan, Richard Walsh, and a bunch of other people whose guts he hated, were all there.

First, he shot Hammond, because he was the biggest bitch there. And that took care of another person on The List. Of course, then they called for him to be arrested (again) for going against protocol (again) by killing a superior (again). However, no one was really sad that Hammond died. But before they could do anything, he shot Erin (for firing him) and Alberta (because she was a bitch and tried to arrest him, too).

Turning to Mason, Chappelle, and Walsh, Jack asked, "Wasn't I basically responsible for all of your deaths?"

They nodded and murmured in agreement.

"Then why are you here?"

"So you can shoot us again," they replied in unison.

"Okay, sweet!" he cried, and shot George and Ryan. Then he turned to Walsh, and said, "You know, you basically screwed me that day Teri died. You told me Jamey wasn't the mole, and she was. Well, one of them. I hold you personally responsible for the death of my wife."

As he raised his gun to shoot him, Richard said, "Now you sound like President Logan- trying to blame everybody else for his mistakes!"

Jack doesn't like being compared to evil people.

I don't think I need to tell you what happens next.

"Hmm… okay that's six people, but Hammond doesn't count, because I was gonna kill him anyway…" So he shot Karen Hayes because she trusted Miles. "Okay, I'm done here!" Jack Bauer told everybody, and was about to skip away before he noticed Carrie Turner, who was, conveniently, shackled to the wall with a huge red and white target on her face, with a sign that said, "Aim here!"

So he shot her too.

Then he continued skipping out the door, where nobody followed him because… I don't know, they just didn't.

_I love getting reviews but I hate giving them. So if you're like me, just click on the little purple 'submit' button on the bottom of this page and all you have to write is :) if it's good and :) if it's bad. That makes me happy._


	4. Chapter 4

_I want to get another chapter up before the school year starts. Just for those of you who might not remember, Kim was failing Algebra in season 1. _

Disclaimer: Why do I bother?

**Chapter 4: If Jack plus Nina equals trouble, what does x equal?**

After crossing off all of the people he just killed, who were Mother Superior, Mother Superior, Mother Superior, Mother Superior, Mother Superior, and Mother Superior (which happened to include Hammond and Chappelle), The List looked like this:

The List of People Jack Bauer Needs to Teach a Lesson

1. Goldilocks

2. Nina

3. Kim (she's failing algebra)

4. Nina

6. Nina

7. China

8. Audrey (Jack just realized what a whiny bitch she was)

9. That guy in the deli the other day who told him he actually had to **pay** for his food!

Sure, there were still about 90 people on The List after those, but Jack Bauer only wanted to cross of those names for the day. And I won't remind you that what Jack Bauer wants to do, he does. Oh wait, I just did remind you. Shit.

Looking at his list, Jack decides to find Kim, and then track down Nina.

Finding Kim is easy. Since he grounded her for life after Teri died, the only places she can go are CTU and her house, unless he specifies otherwise. That way she can't get kidnapped. So far, it hasn't worked very well… cough cougar cough

First, he checks CTU. Jack finds her sitting at her desk across from Adam, talking to Chloe. He marches up to her, and starts yelling. "Kim, I just got a letter in the mail saying you were failing algebra! And it was the second letter! You intercepted the first one! I know you're very busy here at CTU, so I'm not going to hire a private tutor! I'm going to teach you myself! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!"

Then Jon Cassar came out and said, "Hey- wrong laugh. That's for scene 7… you know, the scene where you and Nin-"

He was cut off when Jack shot him for correcting him, talking to long, and stopping him in the middle of his speech.

Then Jack Bauer presses a bunch of random buttons on the keyboard and a program called "Algebra for RSBs (Really Stupid Blondes)" pops up on the screen. "Start working!" he growls at Kim.

"But dad- I'm not in high school anymore! I'm already out of college! That's why I'm here- I have an Associate of Arts in Computer Programming. I don't need to take Algebra again!"

"I don't want to hear it young lady, now get to work! I'll be testing you in five minutes on what you've learned!" He marched away to his office. Kim resignedly starts 'working' on the program. She knows better then to argue with her father when he's in a mood like this.

Meanwhile, Chloe and Adam are cracking up, as well as the rest of CTU. Kim tries to ignore them.

Five minutes later, Kim had successfully dismantled the program (with Chloe's help) and was building a firewall around her system so no program remotely like that one could ever get into the system (with Chloe's help). Until Jack came back downstairs…

"Kim! If 2 plus y equals 2, what does y equal?"

"Zero, dad."

"If r plus 1 equals 24, what does r equal?"

"Twenty-three."

"9a³ plus (7a² minus b²)² minus c³³ equals d minus e plus (f minus 99), what does x equal?"

"Dad I have no idea! There was no x in that equation!"

Jack just shook his head sadly, and said, "I'm sorry Kim, but you're a failure."

The rest of CTU was cracking up.

"But-"

"No excuses, young lady. I want you in your room this instant!" Without looking back, Jack strode out of CTU.

He decided that Kim was a hopeless case and he had helped her as much as possible, so he crossed her name off the list.

It is time to find Nina.

He sniffs the air for a long ten seconds until he immediately starts running to the right. You see, Jack Bauer has Nina senses, which start tingling whenever she's near or lead him in the direction he needs to go to find her. Or so he can find the direction he doesn't want to go if he doesn't want her to find him.

Then he reached the harbor. Without taking a moment to stop or catch his breath, he jumped into the water. But before he could go under, his super-quick, ultra-powered, floating, custom-made legs kicked in. He started to speed across the water faster than the fastest boat or submarine or any other vehicle ever. Soon, he found himself in a small town near the Himalayan mountains.

Slowing to walking speed, he sees a woman, with shoulder length brown hair tied back in a ponytail, who looks exactly like Nina. Her shirt says 'MY NAME IS MINA NYERS, NOT NINA MYERS. I WORK FOR UTC IN SELEGNA SOL. I AM NINA'S TWIN. BUT SHE WAS THE EVIL TWIN SO I'M THE NICE ONE. SO IF YOU'RE NAME IS JACK BAUER, STAY AWAY.'

But Jack's Nina senses were tingling so much he knew it must be her. So he tackled her to the ground and shouted, "I am NOT federal agent Jack Bauer, and today is NOT the longest day of my life!" Then he added, "Hello, Nina, I mean Mina. Wanna play hide and seek?"

Nina, I mean Mina, who realized that this could obviously not be Jack Bauer, since he said he wasn't, happens to love hide and seek. So she says, "Okay!"

"I'm it! I'm counting to a hundred!" he yells.

After counting to a hundred, Jack looks around, using his x-ray vision, and finds her hiding in a dumpster. He rushes over and shoots her. "One down, two to go."

Even though he just shot her, Nina gets up with the bullet wound gushing blood, but acts like nothing happened. "Now I'm it!" she called.

But instead of hiding, Jack Bauer just stood behind her.

When she opened her eyes and turned around, he shot her again. But even as her brains started oozing out of her ears, she kept playing.

It was Jack's turn to be it again, so he counted and used his x-ray vision. This time, she was doing an Irish Step Dance on top of a roof. So he shot her.

Finally, she keeled over and died.

Jack Bauer started laughing. "Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!"

Jon Cassar interrupted again. "Yup, this is when you were supposed to laugh. You did it perfectly th-"

Jack Bauer shot him again.

Then he started singing Christmas carols as he happily started to skip towards the next target on his list… China.


End file.
